Friday, July 26, 2013

Boxes... Well, Crates Anyway


My last post I talked about the need to sometimes put away our thoughts - for example, when we are at work and can't spend time focusing on our problems or griefs we are experiencing. Being a bit of an organizational freak, I decided to get a box - which ended up being two crates - to put books I have read or want to read regarding my counseling, healing, and processing. I also have a couple of binders - one with printouts from a video workshop I am working on and another with my work from a 60 day online Bible Study I have been doing (although I am on day 41 and haven't done anything in a couple weeks - but I will finish it). I have a file folder with some things my counselor gave me to work on. I have room for more file folders if the need arises. If I tried to tackle all of this at once I would probably implode, but now that it is all organized I can take out what I need to when I have the energy to deal with it. In the meantime, it is OK for some things to stay in the box (or crate) until I can get to it... in God's time.

This morning I realized I was emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausted. This has been a trying week. So, for tonight, I am taking my Bible and a devotion book to the coffee shop where I plan to sit and just spend time in God's Word. Tomorrow I have a nap planned at 1 p.m. - it is an appointment with myself that I will not miss... it will happen and I am not setting an alarm - I will sleep as long as my body needs to sleep.

I do feel much better having things all organized nice and neatly - and in GREEN crates! 


Just Breathing,

Sherri

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

On Not Thinking Inside the Box



As most everyone probably knows, there is a time when we have to put our thoughts away for a while. When I go into work every day, if I took with me all the stuff running around in my mind, I would never get anything done at work... and likely wouldn't have a job today. So, before I go into work I try to take all the "junk" and put it away while I work. This works well most of the time... at least I'm still employed anyway! 

My problem lately has been that just getting through the work day and surviving each day and doing what I HAVE to do when I get home (feed the kitties, prepare lunch for the next day, exercise - which hasn't been happening, shower, etc.) is about all I have energy for. My counselor and I talked the other day about how much energy it takes to go through the process of healing. Right now I barely have the energy to survive, let alone do a lot of the work necessary toward my healing. I do know that writing helps and I have been doing that - but there is so much other stuff I need to do. I have an online workshop with videos that I need to be working on - I have books to be reading - I have time to set aside to just let myself deal with some grieving I need to
do.... but right now all that stuff is in a box all locked up and it is overwhelming to think about opening that box up. I know I need to... I know I will... I just don't know when.

I actually saw a storage basket similar to this one at the Dollar Store the other day and am considering getting one to put some of the paperwork and books dealing with my healing process in one place. Then when I am able - I can get the box out and deal with things. Being an organizer - perhaps getting these things more organized would help to make it all more manageable.

Now, if only there were a way to take all the junk in my brain out and put it all in its own individual box to deal with when I have time.

Pressing On,

Sherri

Monday, July 22, 2013

The Journey... The Process...



When my Daddy died in 1992 I went through about a 2 month period where I was downright angry with God. I could not understand why He took my Daddy away from me at such a young age, why when my step-mom said he was close to reaching out to me after he hadn't spoken to me for 2 years, he was taken away before we could reconcile, why I could not have an opportunity to see him just one last time before he died to let him know how much I loved him. I was mad. I didn't hide it from God. I told Him all about it. I am not sure how it happened - whether it was a friend, a message at church, my reading, the verses just coming to mind - but at some point the two verses above became my rock. I knew that I could not begin to understand - that I just had to trust that God's ways are higher than mine and I had to trust that He could and would work it all for His good and His glory. 

From that point on, when I faced a circumstance I just couldn't wrap my mind around I went right back to those two Truths of Scripture. A few months after my Daddy died a good friend from college was killed by a drunk driver and I didn't go through the anger - I clung to the Truth I knew and got through it. Since then I have faced more situations than I care to think about that have caused me to cling to these Truths. I have shared these verses with friends who have been through tough situations. 

Last night I found out a friend's daughter, only 23 years old and having just celebrated her 2nd wedding anniversary passed away from complications from leukemia treatments she had been undergoing. She deteriorated quickly in just a couple of days and went home to be with the Lord yesterday.

Yesterday afternoon I cried.
         A lot.
I thought of these verses.
         it helped a little.
I listened to some music.
          it eased the pain a bit.
But my heart remained completely broken.
           I hurt so much.
                  I was just at a loss.

Today, I admit I have had a bit of a crisis of faith. I began to question God. Really God? Why? Why her and why not someone who is suffering and just longing to go Home to Heaven? I began to feel like maybe God was just some puppet master up there playing with us and doing things that don't make any sense. In my heart of hearts, I knew that was NOT TRUTH - but my heart and my mind were questioning... wondering... doubting...

At the end of the day today, I thankfully had a counseling appointment. My counselor and I used to attend the same church, at different times, so we know many of the same people and he knew Amanda's family and he actually now attends church with her Aunt. We grieved together during our session today. It wasn't all we talked about - but we did talk about it and it was so helpful to know that he knew this family as well. We also talked about all I'm going through... all the junk that has been buried for years and I am just now unburying, beginning to call the abuse abuse instead of just saying "my family was dysfunctional" - no - it was abusive. We talked about some grieving that I need to do... that I have been putting off. I read him some e-mails my amazing friend, my Aunt sent me with some great advice. He told me to be sure to tell her how much he appreciated her words - she made his job easier and helped lay out some things he and I need to work on and do. (this is me telling her - since I know she reads my blog - love you Gail!!)  

Anyway, at the end of the session I was a little frustrated - I had wanted to spend time focusing on some of that specific grieving I need to do and maybe begin working on doing that in his office. Instead - life is going on, grief is continuing in other situations. I told my counselor I just wished I could get off this ride of life for a while to work on some things without life continuing to happen and get in the way.

My counselor's practice is called Journey Counseling and Consultation. On his webpage it says:

"[Ed] has often talked to clients about life being a “journey”, and specifically notes that this journey can be quite difficult at times.  His role might be to give directions, coach, help people get unstuck, offer a map or a compass, offer supplies, cheer people along, etc.   He also notes that there can be real joy (not to be confused with happiness) in the journey.  Life can be painful at times, and he does not want such pain to be wasted.  He deeply respects his clients and the courage it takes for them to face difficult issues along life’s Journey."

I've been frustrated at the length of time this is taking - feeling like the process shouldn't be taking THIS long. But, this is a season of life and it is necessary for me to go through this. I am thankful for many things:

  • I have God's Truth to cling to.
  • I have an amazing counselor who is a man of God guiding me in my journey.
  • I have a wonderful church family.
  • I have the best friend/Aunt a girl could ask for who is full of great wisdom and advice, but most of all loves me in a way I was never loved by the person who gave birth to me.
  • I have amazing friends who are there for me when I am completely unlovable and a total mess.
As Dr. Who says: (yeah, I'm going there again because this quote is SO good)


I am unbelievably blessed because I have many hands to hold. I don't know how long this process is going to take, but I know God is faithful and I am clinging to Him with all my might.

Holding on,

Sherri

Sunday, July 21, 2013

On "Shoulding"

Last week I wrote a blog about how I often "should" myself and in most cases that is not good - I shouldn't "should" myself. However, I realized this morning that sometimes it is not only OK to should yourself, but necessary... I went to church this morning because I knew I "should".

I hadn't been to church in several weeks... not because I was upset with anyone, not because I didn't want to worship, but because lately it has taken everything I have just to get up every morning during the week and go to work... to put one foot in front of the other and do what I HAVE to do in order to survive. It took everything in me to get up this morning, put some clothes on and walk in those doors. But I did it... because I knew I should. 

The worship was wonderful - great songs about God's amazing love. It was good to worship with my brothers and sisters in Christ.

The message was great. I was a little worried about this one as I knew the pastor would be talking some about our vision statement and some new direction. Our church is expanding Wednesday night activities to include a meal and trying to reach out and serve and love our community. My weekdays are hard... by the time I get up at the "crack of dawn" and get a workout in and/or errands run and then grab a smoothie or something quick for supper, I am ready to wind down and relax before getting ready
This beautiful view is the ONLY good thing
about the crack of dawn!
to go to sleep to do it all again the next day.

However, the message didn't just talk about serving on Wednesday nights and try to recruit people. Our pastor, as always, gave a sound Scriptural message. And, while the father of lies tried to make me feel guilty about what I can't do, my Heavenly Father reminded me of things I CAN do. Our pastor also showed great sensitivity in understanding and stating that people are sometimes in a season of life where it takes all they have to just put one foot in front of the other and that Jesus understands that.

Fellowship was sweet - while I wanted to bolt out the door, not only was it pouring down rain, but I ended up in some good conversations with good friends. 

I am thankful to be a part of a church that teaches and lives Biblical Truth, I am thankful for friends who reached out to me when they noticed I was gone, to a good friend who took me to lunch yesterday and listened as I talked her ear off, I am thankful to be part of a church where I can come even when I am broken and barely getting by. Even when I can barely put one foot in front of the other I know I am deeply loved by my Heavenly Father and my brothers and sisters in the Lord.

I want to emphasize, that I am not saying missing a week of church is a sin - Scripture encourages us in Hebrews 10 to not neglect meeting together, but obviously there are times when we are sick, some people have kids that may be sick, and sometimes we just may need some extra sleep because of a difficult and long week.

As I left church I looked up to the sky and thought "The sky looks confused." It was dark and stormy looking off to the left and sunny and blue skies off to the right. I realized the sky wasn't confused, the storm had just passed through, and just as the storm passed through - the storms of my life will also pass. I wish I would have taken a picture, but this one I had taken at another time is very similar to what it was like:

I got in my car and the song "Stand in the Rain" by Superchick was playing. I never cease to be amazed at God's timing in music that "happens" to come on the radio - more "God-incidents" These are the lyrics:

She never slows down.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone,
feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear,
the tears will not stop raining down

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, what's lost can be found

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

Standing in the rain and pressing on,

Sherri