There has been so much going on in my mind lately and I've been overwhelmed with trying to process it all. I really feel like some good progress is being made, but it's not happening in timing that fits MY timetable very well. Ahh... the great reminder that God's ways aren't my ways... no - He has a plan, He has timing for everything and I need to learn to rest in that.
However, I also have realized lately... (OK, not lately... I've known it for a long time) ... that I really suck at discipline. Now I know what some of you are thinking...
- But Sherri, you have done two 1/2 marathons and one full marathon.
- But Sherri, you get up every morning at the stupid o'clock to go to work.
- But Sherri... (fill in the blank)
Yeah, there are times I am good with discipline... I did do two 1/2 marathons and a full marathon before - I was disciplined at the time to do it. And yeah, I get up stupid early to go to work, but I HAVE to work to pay my bills and live so that's not so hard. But, yet it is hard... I know people who have gone on disability because of lack of discipline to do what they HAVE to do. So, yes, I recognize that I do exhibit some discipline in my life. But, I have really not been doing well at it lately at all!
It's funny because when I was a kid my mother always used to tell me I was stubborn and I would (stubbornly) reply, "I'm not stubborn, I'm determined!" And, I believe I DO have determination... I DO have discipline, but somewhere along the way I feel like I lost my motivation. I know I've been through a lot and have been working on healing emotionally to get past a lot of stuff and that has taken a lot of energy. But, I also feel like I've gotten to a point where I am using that as an excuse. It is true that I've been working some extra hours some weeks and I've struggled with my sleeping and that does wear on me physically. But, it is also true that I know that I feel better when I am being disciplined - with my time, with my energy, with my exercise, with my eating, etc... I posted this on Facebook today: "I appear to have lost my motivation. If anyone finds it please return it to me ASAP. #FeelingApatheticAndIDontCare" and got the following comment from a friend: "1 Corinthians 10:31 So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." This was an excellent wake up call and reminder to me and I am grateful my friend spoke the truth in love to me!
I've taken my fair share of "mental health" days and have proceeded to waste them and not get the reading and/or exercising done that I planned on. Well, I have two more mental health days this week and I am DETERMINED to use them wisely. I am going to finish up a book I've been working on and I am going to get myself to the gym (yes, the gym... in May because it's supposed to s...w - no, I can't bring myself to even type that word... but we are supposed to get some white fluffy stuff and even as I type the wind is blowing so hard that it SOUNDS like a December evening outside) Anyway, I am not going to let that stuff get in my way - I have some goals of things I want to get done on my little 4 day vacation and I am DETERMINED to get them done!