Thursday, April 4, 2013

Keeping it Real

Have you ever eaten yourself into a food coma? It certainly doesn't look or feel as cute as this picture depicts. I'm writing this afternoon to just keep it real with you all... ever since "devouring" the book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" by Dr. Karyl McBride I have had a lot of processing going on in my mind. However, I haven't really taken any of the steps I need in order to begin the healing process... or maybe my food binges are the first step in my grief process... I don't know. What I do know is that this is getting ridiculous. I haven't weighed myself all week because I know that I have been eating terrible. At one point I had lost 14 pounds since the beginning of the year. I gained 7 back and then lost 1 again last time I was on the scale. I fear at this point I've gained at least 5 more back. My coping mechanism has always been drowning myself in food and I get to the point where I am still full, approaching miserable, yet I keep eating until whatever unhealthy crap I bought is gone. So, here I sit, after what I think is my 3rd major binge in a week thinking "THIS HAS GOT TO STOP!!!"

My plans Monday were to do some writing in my journal and work through some of the suggestions from Dr. McBride in her book, spend some time in the Word and in prayer, lay this all out at my Father's feet. Then life got in the way and Monday didn't go as I planned so I just ended up chucking it all - even though I still had time to do some of what I had planned.
Right now I am planning on taking a long hot shower, getting a little reading done and approach the weekend with some realistic expectations of what I can do to begin really processing the information I learned from this book. 

Gluttony is a sin we don't often talk about... I imagine a lot of us view this list of sins as follows...

lying - bad
stealing - bad
not honoring parents - bad
adultery - REALLY bad
gluttony - eh... we all like food, right?

But, the truth is that SIN is SIN no matter WHAT sin it is. Proverbs 23:2: "And put a knife to your throat if you are given to appetite." Proverbs 23:23: "For the drunkard and the glutton will come to poverty, and slumber will clothe them with rags." It certainly doesn't seem that gluttony is a sin to be taken with an "eh" kind of attitude.

"Lord, forgive my gluttonous ways. Forgive me for running to food to fill me up instead of You. Forgive me for having an 'eh' kind of attitude about this sin in my life. Help me Lord to honor You in all that I do and say. May You be glorified in me. Help me Lord as I process and journey through a lot of garbage from my past so that it will not define me, but help me to be a shining light of Your love and grace to this world. In Jesus' Most Holy Name I pray, Amen."



Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Blogging Life

I had a comment awaiting moderation from someone who, for lack of a better word, had stalked me in the past. This person is practically young enough to be my son! We were friends at one time, but due to circumstances with my former church and what they did to me, I have a very small handful of people from that church who I can trust and he is not one of them. He had expressed interest in me beyond friendship at one point right after my ex-fiancé and I broke up. I considered changing my blog from public to private but found that it is a pain to do so... Blogger only allows 99 viewers. Unfortunately they do not have a way to block a specific viewer, although they will be getting a suggestion from me to do so. It seems you should be able to block specific people from your blog if you want to.

Anyway, the purpose of my blog is to be an encouragement and help to others and to allow those close to me in my life to know some of what's happening in my life. Changing it at this point is too difficult so it will remain the same. I just hope that this person gets the hint and for his own emotional health stops stalking me. Sadly, I think he really needs some counseling but the church he goes to only "allows" counseling within the church. I really think he could benefit from some good counseling. I do care about him as my brother in Christ, but do not need to be bothered by him, especially when, sadly, there is no trust in the relationship.

Thanks to those of you who follow and encourage me along the journey,


Monday, April 1, 2013

When Taking Care of Yourself is the Least Selfish Thing You Can Do

As I've been on this journey of healing, specifically over the past 11 months I've struggled as I've stepped back from "active ministry". I had a good discussion about this with my counselor today and it gave me a whole new take on things. If I was just living with the pain and not dealing with it and trying to minister I wouldn't be effective in ministry. By dealing with the pain and working on the healing process, I am really denying myself even though it feels as though I am being selfish.  I am working through all of this because I WANT to be healthy. I want to be used by God and be able to minister effectively for His Kingdom and I can't do that until I work through some things and that is going to take a little time yet. In the meantime I cling to what my former counselor said, "There is no pain without purpose." - this statement reminds me of one of my favorite verses... Romans 8:28

Even as I'm going through this journey - it is my hope and prayer that I am a living, breathing, walking example of one whose Hope is resting COMPLETELY in Christ. I am so grateful for friends along the journey who believed for me when I couldn't believe and for God who NEVER GIVES UP ON ME!

Holding on to Hope,


Sunday, March 31, 2013

Because HE LIVES!

My counselor recently recommended a book - it's called "Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" by Dr. Karyl McBride. I got all the way through the book up to part three where the real work begins.  I never knew there was such a thing as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but there is and this book has opened my eyes and I have learned SO much. The best thing about this book is that it is NOT about placing blame, but about UNDERSTANDING, FORGIVING, and HEALING.  I am beyond grateful that God brought me to the right counselor at the right time in my journey and process. I have learned and am learning so much and am beginning to have many questions answered.

The timing of all this is not lost on me at all - I can really see God's hand in it all. Years ago, even a few months ago, I wouldn't have been able to handle all of this information - God in HIS time has brought some things to light and God in HIS time will bring me through the grief process I need to go through and bring healing to me.

Having read most of this book on Good Friday, by Friday night I was an emotional wreck. I wept through most of the service at church... I had so many feelings and thoughts going through my mind and my heart, I was on overload. Worshiping that night at church, remembering what Jesus did for me on that cross - that it wasn't the nails that held Him there - it was His love for me... I felt like it was somewhat symbolic for me - nailing all of the “junk” I had whirling in my head and heart to the cross that night... knowing that the resurrection is coming. With my emotional journey, it will take longer than three days - there’s a lot of work to be done - but there is HOPE. I know that God is with me on this journey and He has given me amazing friends who have stuck by my side when I have been pretty ugly and unlovable. I am truly unbelievably blessed! The song Because He Lives really sums up how I am feeling tonight.