"All he did was get blindsided by a truckload of suck.
He didn't deserve that."
~ Dr. Amelia Shepherd ("Private Practice")
You can tell by my quotes what show I've been watching this weekend... but man, there are some really good quotes in there. I love this quote also, because my younger "big brother" and I have talked about how sometimes the best thing you can say to someone is "That sucks, I'm really sorry."
The blog I wrote last night... well, early this morning... started out in my personal journal but then I decided to publish it. I thought and prayed long and hard about that choice. The truth of the matter is that I have spent almost 30 years dealing with a truckload of suck. Is my truckload of suck worse than someone else's truckload of suck? No - truth is everyone gets dealt a different hand in life and I have been dealt with my own truckload of suck. I decided to publish my journal thoughts publicly because if I can help just one person to not carry around their truckload of suck for as many years as I have, and to deal with it no matter how painful the process is, then it is worth it. I don't know who all reads my blogs - I know a few people who get them e-mailed to them. I publish them on my Facebook page and on Twitter - so I really have no idea who all might be reading them. If just one person can be spared from carrying around their truckload of suck for so many years... if just one person reads my blog and realizes it is time to seek counseling... if just one person reads part of my journey and is pointed to the Lord's amazing love... then yes, it is all worth it. If by sharing my process with others I can help someone else in their journey then it makes me see that God can use the truckload of suck I have been dealt for His good.
I love this quote because Dr. Shepherd doesn't just say "he got blindsided by a truckload of suck" - she says "he didn't deserve it" I am saddened, deeply saddened, for the little girl I was who didn't get to have a Mommy. I deserved a Mommy. I look around and see so many of my friends who are such awesome Mommies - who love their children with unconditional love - who raise their children to be strong, independent thinking, faithful, loving, kind, gentle, amazing human beings - who, although none are perfect, do their very best to be the best parent they can be - to love their children deeply - to encourage their children. I didn't get that and it makes me sad for the little girl I was.
It also makes me angry. Truth be told, yeah, a little angry with God. Why? Why did I have to suffer at the hands of such a cruel mother? Why couldn't I have had a Mommy who loved me for who I was, who encouraged me, who built me up instead of tearing me down? Why couldn't I have had a Mommy who didn't dismiss me when I told her I was being sexually abused? Why couldn't I have had a Mommy who protected me the way a parent should protect their child with everything they have? I am angry at her - angry that she wasn't capable of being the Mommy that I deserved. I have forgiven her... over and over and over again... even though she has never asked. She doesn't think she's done anything wrong - and that makes me angry too... it's why I have to keep choosing to forgive her, over and over and over again. The hurt and pain she caused comes back over and over and over again - so I keep forgiving her over and over and over again. I think it would be easier if she would actually acknowledge the wrongs she's done against me. But I can't wait for that to forgive her, because apart from a miracle from God, that is never going to happen.
Right now, for today, in my grief process I need to sit with the anger a little bit. I need to let that little girl be angry and when she is ready - that little girl in me will forgive her too.
Continuing forward in the process,