When my Daddy died in 1992 I went through about a 2 month period where I was downright angry with God. I could not understand why He took my Daddy away from me at such a young age, why when my step-mom said he was close to reaching out to me after he hadn't spoken to me for 2 years, he was taken away before we could reconcile, why I could not have an opportunity to see him just one last time before he died to let him know how much I loved him. I was mad. I didn't hide it from God. I told Him all about it. I am not sure how it happened - whether it was a friend, a message at church, my reading, the verses just coming to mind - but at some point the two verses above became my rock. I knew that I could not begin to understand - that I just had to trust that God's ways are higher than mine and I had to trust that He could and would work it all for His good and His glory.
From that point on, when I faced a circumstance I just couldn't wrap my mind around I went right back to those two Truths of Scripture. A few months after my Daddy died a good friend from college was killed by a drunk driver and I didn't go through the anger - I clung to the Truth I knew and got through it. Since then I have faced more situations than I care to think about that have caused me to cling to these Truths. I have shared these verses with friends who have been through tough situations.
Last night I found out a friend's daughter, only 23 years old and having just celebrated her 2nd wedding anniversary passed away from complications from leukemia treatments she had been undergoing. She deteriorated quickly in just a couple of days and went home to be with the Lord yesterday.
Yesterday afternoon I cried.
I thought of these verses.
it helped a little.
I listened to some music.
it eased the pain a bit.
But my heart remained completely broken.
I hurt so much.
I was just at a loss.
Today, I admit I have had a bit of a crisis of faith. I began to question God. Really God? Why? Why her and why not someone who is suffering and just longing to go Home to Heaven? I began to feel like maybe God was just some puppet master up there playing with us and doing things that don't make any sense. In my heart of hearts, I knew that was NOT TRUTH - but my heart and my mind were questioning... wondering... doubting...
At the end of the day today, I thankfully had a counseling appointment. My counselor and I used to attend the same church, at different times, so we know many of the same people and he knew Amanda's family and he actually now attends church with her Aunt. We grieved together during our session today. It wasn't all we talked about - but we did talk about it and it was so helpful to know that he knew this family as well. We also talked about all I'm going through... all the junk that has been buried for years and I am just now unburying, beginning to call the abuse abuse instead of just saying "my family was dysfunctional" - no - it was abusive. We talked about some grieving that I need to do... that I have been putting off. I read him some e-mails my amazing friend, my Aunt sent me with some great advice. He told me to be sure to tell her how much he appreciated her words - she made his job easier and helped lay out some things he and I need to work on and do. (this is me telling her - since I know she reads my blog - love you Gail!!)
Anyway, at the end of the session I was a little frustrated - I had wanted to spend time focusing on some of that specific grieving I need to do and maybe begin working on doing that in his office. Instead - life is going on, grief is continuing in other situations. I told my counselor I just wished I could get off this ride of life for a while to work on some things without life continuing to happen and get in the way.
"[Ed] has often talked to clients about life being a “journey”, and specifically notes that this journey can be quite difficult at times. His role might be to give directions, coach, help people get unstuck, offer a map or a compass, offer supplies, cheer people along, etc. He also notes that there can be real joy (not to be confused with happiness) in the journey. Life can be painful at times, and he does not want such pain to be wasted. He deeply respects his clients and the courage it takes for them to face difficult issues along life’s Journey."
I've been frustrated at the length of time this is taking - feeling like the process shouldn't be taking THIS long. But, this is a season of life and it is necessary for me to go through this. I am thankful for many things:
- I have God's Truth to cling to.
- I have an amazing counselor who is a man of God guiding me in my journey.
- I have a wonderful church family.
- I have the best friend/Aunt a girl could ask for who is full of great wisdom and advice, but most of all loves me in a way I was never loved by the person who gave birth to me.
- I have amazing friends who are there for me when I am completely unlovable and a total mess.
As Dr. Who says: (yeah, I'm going there again because this quote is SO good)
I am unbelievably blessed because I have many hands to hold. I don't know how long this process is going to take, but I know God is faithful and I am clinging to Him with all my might.