Anyone who has talked to me or seen me in the last few weeks knows that I have absolutely fallen in love with the show Dr. Who. My friend Billie first described it to me as being about much more than time travel and aliens, but also a show with wonderful lessons about humanity. After watching more episodes than I care to admit in the past few weeks, I WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree with her description. So, as I am pondering grief this evening, it is no surprise I thought about this quote from an amazing episode of Dr. Who (Oh, who am I kidding? They are all amazing!)
I was talking with a friend last week about my relationship (or lack thereof) with my mother and she commented about how sad it was. In my head I know it IS sad, but I was pretty matter of fact about it all and said, yeah, it is what it is. I have grieved the loss of the Mom I never had, don't have, and likely will never have and have come to accept it just is what it is.
However, I was talking with my counselor about this today and how I don't think I ever allowed the little girl in me to grieve this loss. I've grieved it as an adult, I've accepted it and am moving on. I am so thankful for the love and support of wonderful friends, and above all the amazing love God pours into my life. I think I have been somewhat protecting that little girl in me - I tend to do that - I am very protective when I see anyone hurting. I want to jump in the middle and keep them from hurting, I would willingly take all of their hurt on myself so they wouldn't have to hurt.
I told my counselor today that a part of me thinks that I have kept up this protection of this little girl because I don't have the energy to really allow her to grieve and it's easier to just keep it buried and protect her from the hurt. He asked me, "Have you thought about the energy it takes to protect her?" Honestly, no, I haven't thought of that and I have a feeling I'm in for quite a journey. The quote above from Dr. Who rings so true - the pain and loss I feel have definitely impacted my life and who I am today. I know that God can and will use it for His good and His glory. The journey is going to be difficult, but thankfully I have the Lord and many friends to hold my hand along the way.
Grateful and Pressing On,