My counselor recently recommended a book - it's called "Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" by Dr. Karyl McBride. I got all the way through the book up to part three where the real work begins. I never knew there was such a thing as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but there is and this book has opened my eyes and I have learned SO much. The best thing about this book is that it is NOT about placing blame, but about UNDERSTANDING, FORGIVING, and HEALING. I am beyond grateful that God brought me to the right counselor at the right time in my journey and process. I have learned and am learning so much and am beginning to have many questions answered.
The timing of all this is not lost on me at all - I can really see God's hand in it all. Years ago, even a few months ago, I wouldn't have been able to handle all of this information - God in HIS time has brought some things to light and God in HIS time will bring me through the grief process I need to go through and bring healing to me.
Having read most of this book on Good Friday, by Friday night I was an emotional wreck. I wept through most of the service at church... I had so many feelings and thoughts going through my mind and my heart, I was on overload. Worshiping that night at church, remembering what Jesus did for me on that cross - that it wasn't the nails that held Him there - it was His love for me... I felt like it was somewhat symbolic for me - nailing all of the “junk” I had whirling in my head and heart to the cross that night... knowing that the resurrection is coming. With my emotional journey, it will take longer than three days - there’s a lot of work to be done - but there is HOPE. I know that God is with me on this journey and He has given me amazing friends who have stuck by my side when I have been pretty ugly and unlovable. I am truly unbelievably blessed! The song Because He Lives really sums up how I am feeling tonight.