When I need to process, one of the best things for me to do is to write. So, write I will! I was talking to a friend the other day about some issues and she brought up a very good point... that I have a hard time trusting God because so many people in my life have let me down. Now, if you are reading this, chances are you are one of my good friends or family members who have NOT let me down and you know I love you and hold you close to my heart. But, you also know that many people close to me in my life have let me down in some pretty major ways. My friend pointed out that this is probably why I live in fear and don't completely trust.
Another thing came up Sunday in Sunday School class. Matt, my friend, pastor (pastoral intern??), small group leader, made a comment that really struck my heart, "If we think of ourselves as a horrible wretch of a person who can never
be good enough no matter how hard we try, then we will continue to try
harder to be good enough and always come up short. But, if we think of
ourselves as a horrible wretch of a person who has been redeemed, then
our actions will flow out of our redemption." I've lived a big portion of my life thinking of myself as a horrible wretch of a person... partially because that is the lie I was told by people that were supposed to love me.
So, how do these two things relate? They've been brought together as I've been processing whether or not to take a trip to Colorado next month to see my Aunt and family as well as a close friend who lives there. A part of me is scared - scared to leave the comfort of my home, scared that my car might break down on the Interstate, scared that I will have an accident on the trip. So, if I go on the trip and something bad happens, then I will think, "Ugh - what did I do to deserve this?" "What kind of wretched person am I to have had this happen to me?"
I've realized that I'm living in fear instead of just trusting. 1 John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear
has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in
love." I should not be living my life with this kind of fear. I should not be afraid to take a vacation because something MIGHT happen. Guess what, Sherri? You could get in an accident driving to work! Your car could break down driving to the grocery store! And, if one of these "terrible" things happens it is NOT because I'm some horrible wretched person - it's because life happens.
Life is short - God has shown that to me time and time again as I've seen people far too young pass away. I will not have my Aunt, Uncle, and cousins here forever. I will not have my friends here forever. None of us is promised tomorrow so I need to live today in trust, not in fear! This fear has had a grip on my heart and kept me from living for far too long. I will not let it rob me of a chance to see my family... my Aunt who has been more of a mom to me than I have ever had. I will not let it rob me anymore.
Learning to Trust,