Monday, March 21, 2011

Spring has sprung

I'm having a really hard time putting how I'm feeling into words. This weekend was a really hard one for me. I try not to get hung up on dates. Usually dates don't mean much to me, but in dealing with all the stuff with David they have. March 20th is the first day of Spring, and one of the dates we talked about getting married. Since we met at the beginning of Fall (season of changes) we thought it would be so neat to get married on the first day of Spring (season of new beginnings). March 20, 2011 would have been our 18 month anniversary. I've pretty much been an emotional basket case. I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm sad, I'm lonely.

During this whole process I've been going through the stages of grief (I found this "model" to be the most accurate: However, I feel like all I've done is go through the first 4 stages: 1. Shock and Denial; 2. Pain and Guilt; 3. Anger and Bargaining; 4. Depression (reflection and loneliness) My counselor told me it would be normal to cycle through all the stages several times, just that it wouldn't take as long to get through each one. It seems like all I've done so far is cycle through these four stages and never getting beyond them.

Basically right now, today, I'm not OK. I know how many positive things I have in my life and I am thankful for all of it, but I'm just really hurting, angry, sad, and lonely right now.